she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
