I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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