jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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