If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
