You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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