You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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