I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
