i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I will pee on everything he values.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
3 2 1 whiskey
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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