in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
