party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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