yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
