i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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