When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
