i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
