We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize