He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
