So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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