To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
