This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
