Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
