I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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