bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
