i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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