East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
