i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
