i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
