There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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