he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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