my mouth tastes like poor choices
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
