And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
