it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm having to shit out rocks
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