Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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