I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
