i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
