I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
