My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
there is glitter all over my balls
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
