I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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