you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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