yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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