Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
