Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just invented taco cereal.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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