I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
