Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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