I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
