dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
