can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
