I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
