just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
