Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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