I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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