There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
