Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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