No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
