if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
