I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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