The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
